How am I supposed to believe in us when you don't?

i love you, i love you, i love you, i want you, i want to hold you and breathe you and feel you against me.

So my mom just left, yelling, "What's the hold up?! I'm going to be late, aaaaargh!" in a very enraged fashion.
Because I'd parked behind her and didn't move my car fast enough because I thought my keys were upstairs but they weren't and I was running like mad and she was just yelling...

sigh.

I was going to start prattling on about how I feel a bit lonely and how it seems everyone else has friends and family to spend time with. Go to movies, have dinner, actually do things together. Quality time.

... ._.

Instead, my mom is a ball of stress and high blood pressure, which affects me and makes me crazy (and that's why no one really pays attention to all this blather), and then dad also bears the brunt of it all. When I asked him about why she was always like this to us when we've barely done anything but be human, he says, "I don't know."

... sigh.

And so rather than being excited to tell you all that I ended up getting the D3000, well, instead I feel even worse, and also because they say that despite the D3000 being D40's official replacement, it's also the worst DSLR Nikon has ever made. T_T (The D40 has now been discontinued and difficult to find in stores, if not impossible floor model!. I know, online, but my parents are wary of that. So).

Well, we'll see.

I'm just bummed right now and what's worse still is that rather than actually spending time with people (no one really invites me to do anything and well, I'm trying to contact people and invite them, etc, so...) I end up having to iron all of the family's laundry. The very family who can't seem to stand one another. Sort of. Oy.

We're going camera hunting today. :D

Either the D40 or the D3000-- apparently the latter has replaced the former as entry-level DSLR but I'd been researching and it seems that D40 still comes out on top; we'll see...

Anywho, I have to make this entry quick because we're leaving soon.

I told my mom that it was like looking for a car and she scoffed, saying, "Yeah, right."

... It means something to me.
Were it only that that mattered to her.

But I learned long ago that just because it matters to me, doesn't mean it will to her.

And oh, this day barely began when my mom was already complaining about how she needs a break from me and my dad and that she needs to get "far, far away."

And she's quite serious and I've only been here a week. Sigh.

(This isn't new...).

Well, here's to the next week that I'll be here. :P

Hope you all have had a wonderful Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or what have you) and a very Happy Holiday.

Here's looking to a great upcoming new year!

Love,
Charamy

It's Christmas Eve,
yet I don't feel too festive,
and ahh, perchance I'm too fazed, jaded, old...

Mm, well, right now I need to help my mom-- she's getting onto me a bit already...

(I wanted this to be a better post, too. :P)

[edit]

Later on, of course, will be the Christmas Party. :D

And oh, I'm excited for that. ^^

After four years of not having seen each other, rinoamint and I got to meet and go on a wonderfully romantic date... to Sawgrass Mills Mall. XD

My best friend Sascha invited me to go to the mall, and since Joanne lives near there (and also because it'd been only, oh, forever) I wanted to kidnap her for a little while. I believe the venture was quite successful, where we discussed adventures of a certain sort, the unfortunate romance between a mermaid and a unicorn, "sexy Grandma," and gossiping about old classmates. (Erk. Forgive me as I'm typing, I'm a bit hungry and I just heard more gruesome news stories that my dad is allegedly watching, i.e. he's asleep on the couch).

I had a really great time and apparently we're just hopeless romantics and old, bitter crones at the same time. I can live with that. Even her dad understands: "High-tech and an old soul." That's a good way of putting it.
We're holding out for our Disney Princes, btw. "Oh, haaaay."

And ohh, I finally got to go to Ikea. Let me say that is indeed a Swedish migraine (thank you, Joanne) and oh, "bork, bork, bork." ... "Kludd." ... I never did get to try the meatballs, but it always bemused me that people would go to a furniture store just for the food.

(Auuugh, more terrible news. I don't need to hear about sexual offenders and such. Goodness, Broward County).

Speaking of which, we took a fantastic photo, and rinoamint is an excellent creeper. ;)

Anyway, I think my dad is wanting to get me a DSLR but I'm trying to convince him that it's cheaper online...
It's just that he's old-fashioned and paranoid and doesn't believe it safe, so... (I just don't like him having to spend all that extra money, eek). That, and well... I'd like to earn the camera myself, so, we'll see.
Oh, Nikon D40. It's cheaper, sooo. ...

Anyway, all of you, keep in touch. :)

Dad and I went to Boca Town Center today-- it's sort of the "rich" mall, if you will (it's Boca, after all).
The Waldenbooks there was having a little liquidation sale (it's moving, so no worries) and I got
another Pratchett book and 24 fine point markers. :DDD (I like going in order with those Pratchett books; I'm aware that there's no actual order, but still. :P Though I might make an exception this time).

Sascha actually called and invited me to meet up with her at Sawgrass Mills tomorrow.
(Mind, my dad has worked at the Target there for ages). rinoamint, I sent you a text. ;P
It's funny, no matter where we are, she doesn't really have the time to talk to me. T_T; But it's something we've come to accept. e.e; (That sounds so wrong. Well, she is my best friend. And possibly one of the only people I'd accept this of. XDD).

I've had some odd dreams lately. And just some thoughts hither, thither, and yon...

I didn't expect what happened in 2009 to, well, have happened.
I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic for 2010. And do better by myself.

Hello, ethernet cable. :P

We're going to church this morning... XD ...

Oh, I'm so terrible.

Anyway. Yesterday's drive went ... okay. ...

Amongst other things.

I miss Pixel-- I left her in Gainesville... :\

And your Christmas cards might be a bit late, so my apologies.

I'll probably rarely be on, so feel free to text or call or something.

I'd really like to see some of you-- well, those of you who are in South FL who read this, anyway.
(Which doesn't equate to many. XD).

Okay, bye!

- Charamy

PS. Hope you've all gotten your Christmas shopping done. ;)

PPS. OHH. Thank you so much to chibitarp for granting me with some paid time! I'm not sure how much or if I still need to chip in, but you have no idea how much that lifted my spirits! :DDD
I have had this account for almost, what, eight years now (...) and no one has ever done that for me.

So thank you ♥ That means a lot. :)

I wrote this in the car as soon as I got into the driveway, so that I wouldn't forget to write it here.

We're not going to be together.
God didn't repeatedly put you back in my life for that purpose.
Instead, it was to teach me a lesson-- to finally learn you're not worth it, and to move on.
To be with someone who deseres me, and with whom effort and worth are equal.




Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Wash.
Rinse.
Repeat.

And yet, as I post this, I'll admit that I'm not sure what will happen.

But that somehow, I found myself crying along the way home,
and that he didn't even realize it. Maybe I'm just being foolish.

In any case, it's been far too long.

I really did want to leave on a good note.
So it breaks my heart that once again during this break,
I only feel hurt. Because I know it hurts you, too.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Mom managed to get me an optometrist appointment at 3:30 PM. So I have to leave around 9.

No more staying up til 3 and waking up around 11.

Only, I'm sad.

And you never gave me a reason why I shouldn't be.

Then again, ... never mind.

It just would've been nice to leave on a good note.

Oh well.

[ edit ]

At least I'm finally learning my lesson.

Thank you, Sean and Daniel. :)

Today, I went in pursuit of an antique jar for my dad.
He collects these big glass jars to collect quarters in. :)

He's a man of investments, for sure.

But I only went armed with a print-out of Google Maps directions,
and oh, what I would've given for a GPS...

Did I mention I found it on Craigslist?
Erk. ... Luckily, the man was nice, elderly gentleman, though when I'd gotten rather lost (ended up on 35th St. instead of Ave.) I ended up in the not-so-nice parts of Gainesville. ... With no signal.

... T_T;; I was freaking out for a bit but I parked by a Food Lion ("We have a Food Lion?!") and called (with no minutes left, btw). .__.

It turns out that it wasn't as difficult as I made it out to be (I took the long way by accident) but I was glad that I was able to follow directions back to University Ave. ... XD

So, Merry Christmas, Dad.
Let's hope it's worth all the griping you'll put me through. :P

I'd like to be as sexy as she is, and dance with a man as sexy as he is.

Good lawd.

PS. I'm obviously not going home today, but probably Friday or Saturday. o.o
PPS. I'll be working on Christmas cards soon (should have already been doing so), so here is the entry just in case. Thanks :)
(I just like them all in one place so I don't forget!)

( In the year of 2009... And ah, forgive me for cutting it the same way ;) )

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
You will make mistakes. You will learn from them. Sometimes you will be stuck in a position where no one but you can really fully understand, and when you try to tell others, they may all tell you the same thing. Sure, maybe that means they're all right. And they have a right to be right. But maybe, by some chance, you know better (i.e. you're fooling yourself) so maybe it's not as simple as they all make it out to be. Because if it were, you would've done all that by now. And something about the futility of groupthought. Er. (Thanks, Daniel).

You will also learn to be happy on your own and will still be learning to love yourself before loving others, but not in a selfish fashion. You will grow to accept things that make you want to grind your teeth. You will go through what most people would have wisely left behind. But you will persevere, being as foolish as you are, and see where it all ends. (Thanks, Tracy).

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Woo, set me free, why don't you babe
Woo, get out my life, why don't you babe
Set me free, why don't you babe
Get out my life, why don't you babe

You claim you still care for me
But your heart and soul needs to be free
Now that you've got your freedom
You want to still hold on to me
You don't want me for yourself
So let me find somebody else Hey!

Good morning. :) Er, dare I say, afternoon?

I went to bed close to 4-- thanks, Alan. Yeah, I know, it's not all his fault, but when I try to say goodbye he just keeps rambling. Ohhh-kay.

I exposed him to the game Canabalt which involves a lot of running and jumping. And that's it. Only, it's ridiculously addicting. I don't even...

Today I was planning on running around and doing some Christmas shopping, and I wanted to get a head start before hopefully seeing my beloved T-Bird. :P But either way, I'll get both done, bwaha...

But yeah, last night seemed like a night for phone calls and texts, although we're out of minutes til the 18th (cough) so... (T-Mobile users, you're in the clear, though).

Anyway, I'm going to finish watching Syfy's (ugh, name change) Alice. It's surprisingly good. :)
Reminds me of when kanmude watched Tin Man-- I never did get to finish. And I think you'd like it. :)

And ohh, as for going home, well, I was thinking tomorrow, before, but now I might leave on Weds. instead, we'll see...

( And a completely random picture! )